Donut Unto Others
Donut Unto Others is a fan-created episode of TUGS. It is based off of the Homestar Runner short of the same name. Sumary Warrior opens a doughnut shop, but faces problems with Zorran, who has his own business. Transcript {Warrior is seen cutting out dough rings. Ten Cents enters} TEN CENTS: What the…Warrior, why the bloody hell are you making doughnuts? WARRIOR: C’mon, Ten Cents. You know how I've always dreamed of bein’ my own boss at the doughnut factory! TEN CENTS: {looking annoyed} No, since when? WARRIOR: Why, just last night! {Clouds fill the screen, then recede to the edges. A scene depicting Warrior’s dream is shown. He is seen with a Canadian flag on his funnel, next to a high-jumping pit. He has a leg}{voiceover} I dreamt that I was a German long-jump champion with eight wooden legs! TEN CENTS: And...that made you want to start a doughnut shop? WARRIOR: Yes sir! Like I said, it's a boyhood dream of mine. Could ya pass me that recipe? TEN CENTS: {Picks up a small note} There's just this square of TP that says... {cut to a close-up of the note} "No Garbage Today” on it. WARRIOR: Yeah, yeah. That's it. My secret recipe. TEN CENTS: {Sighs} I'm gonna go talk to anyone else but you. {Cut to The Keyside. Warrior is in a makeshift doughnut stand formed from a large barge marked "Do-Nots" with a window on top of it. A fat fryer can be seen bubbling behind the window.} WARRIOR: I honestly wonder how many million doughnuts I'll sell on my first day. Three? Four? Eight? I've gotta be ready for the 3:09 p.m. doughnut rush, you know? Ooh, here it comes. {Zorran, with a red face and an exceptionally furious expression, enters from the right. As he speaks, cartoon smoke clouds emit from his head.} ZORRAN: {with forced restraint} Well, hello, Warrior! WARRIOR: Hey there, doughnut rush. What can I get for ya? ZORRAN: {continuing his forced restraint} It's really great to very see you, Warrior! WARRIOR: {nervous} Umm... it's good to see you, too, I guess. {As Zorran says the following, we cut to a shot revealing that Warrior's barge is right next to Zorran’s, facing it.} ZORRAN: I'm delighted you've decided to set up shop about ten feet away from me! {cut back to Warrior and Zorran} WARRIOR: Yeah, we could be a conglomerate, like KFC-Taco Bell-Radisson-Texas Instruments-NASA!'' '' CAPTAIN STAR: ''{randomly appears from out of nowhere} Warrior, half of those companies won’t be founded for the next fifty years! You’ve created a time paradox! ''{The “Time Paradox” screen from Metal Gear Solid appears. The options “Continue” and “Quit” appear. A cursor clicks the former, and the episode resumes.} '' '''ZORRAN:' Yes! That is a really {fire comes out of his eyes } outstanding ideeeaaaa! WARRIOR: Um, Zorran? Are we havn’ a fight? {as Zorran speaks, his face slowly returns to its normal color} ZORRAN: {slightly calmer} What do you think, you idiot?! You opened up a competing doughnut place right across the street from me! {zooms out to the gap between the stores. Note that there is no street, but a harbor} WARRIOR: {examining the water between the two stands} The street? ZORRAN: Right across the way from me! WARRIOR: But I thought you were sellin’ questionable medical coverage. {Cut to a close-up of Zorran, with his barge visible in the background with a sign "Why not Donuts?" on it.} ZORRAN: That was two hours ago. {changes to his normal expression, now speaking normally} Now I'm in the doughnut bidness. {with a straight line eyebrow} How's that coverage working out for you, by the way? {Cut back to the two and the barge.} WARRIOR: {a big stack of paperwork is on his deck } Great so far! ZORRAN: {back to an angry face} I gotta get ready for the big 3:09 p.m. doughnut rush. When next we meet, 'twill be on the doughnut field of battle! {Cut to a silhouette of the scene. Zorran marches to his stand imitating a military drum cadence} Dubba dup dup dup, dubba dup dup dup, dubba dup dup da daa ba dup dup dup! {Cut to a shot of a clock that strikes 3:09. Cut back to a shot of the two stands. Puffa comes in via a nearby railway track.} PUFFA: All right, gentlemen, here's how this is gonna go down. I need fried dough so bad it hurts! According to the data I got back from my train doctor, {pan to show his truck is full of paperwork } we're gonna need in the 3 to 8 million range to maintain my caloric intake. Now, commence marketing bombardment! WARRIOR: Mine's is homemade! {holds up a spoon with some doughnut batter and a few hairs on it} ZORRAN: Mine's is shipped from a 3rd world country named Homemáde, so I can legally print "From Homemade" on the prepackaged package. { a package of his doughnuts that says "FROM HOMEMÁDE! Is on his deck"} WARRIOR: I've got grit, gumption, and an adorable South London accent. { Puffa pops his dome up in surprise and turns to see an angry Zorran.} ZORRAN: My name's Zorran, I talk hard and fast. WARRIOR: Available in 57 different varieties! ZORRAN: One flavor {the word "regular" appears above his head}, over a hundred different names for it! {various names that all are variations of "regular" appear around Zorran} WARRIOR: {holds up a newspaper} Lily Lightship raves "Hey! Get outta my face , you!" ZORRAN: {cut to a shot of a box of toothpaste labeled "Zorran' Donuts!"; as he says each descriptions, it appears onscreen} Fights cavities! Cleans Teeth! {A cartoon Zorran appears in the bottom right corner, bearing the following message in a speech bubble} The American Dental Association does not approve the preceding statements. PUFFA: All right, all right, all right. You both make excellent cases, but I've come to my decision. ZORRAN: { alarmed} Health Inspector! Cheese it, everyone! {Zorran leaves with his barge} PUFFA: 'Yikes! ''{he disappears down the line} {Top Hat, in silhouette, is seen coming up and walks towards Warrior with a clipboard nailed to his side.} '''WARRIOR: Hey potential customer, would you like several million doughnuts? TOP HAT: No. I don't want one. WARRIOR: But do you dough-''not'' want one? Hmmm? TOP HAT: I'm the health inspector, here to hopefully shut you down. Now please rub this swab under your grease trap and bring it back. {Warrior takes the swab and rubs it on the fat fryer.} WARRIOR: Yes sir, Inspector Heath! {Warrior starts humming the theme to Inspector Gadget} TOP HAT: {To himself} ...And we'll do a little {rolls the l} bit of this! {Top Hat bashes into Warrior’s barge, knocking both it and it’s owner into Dender Rocks. The barge is smashed, Warrior is beached, and covered in grease.} WARRIOR: Ah! My face! TOP HAT: {laughs and goes away} WARRIOR: My delicious fried face! Zorran, is this covered by my questionable medical coverage? At least questionably so? Zorran? {Cut to a long shot of both barges in silhouette. Zorran comes back into view with his barge and is seen sneaking away.} ZORRAN: {to the tune of "Mysterioso Pizzicato"} Root, root, root, root, doodloodloodloodloodloo, doot doot doot doo... {A circle of "ends" appears, the top of which is pink.}''' Category:Story